This morning as I was having my quiet time with the Lord, I prayed – as usual – for my health to return. Today starts the sixth week I have been suffering from a bad case of bronchitis, and I have also had laryngitis for 3½ weeks. Besides having a difficult time breathing, coughing until great chunks of green stuff is expelled from my lungs and not being able to speak, being sick for so long has taken its toll on me: I have little energy to do anything, I am weak and easily exhausted, I am beginning to feel cut off from the outside world, and at this point in time I have a severe case of cabin fever. The only good thing is that I have lost 10 pounds… go figure!
I am an optimistic person by nature, and even during this illness I have tended not to focus on the “bad.” But, as one can see from my morning’s meditation, my mind had started to wander into my own pity party. I started to review my life over the past 9 months, which is when I got laid off from my job of 11 years (17 total, if one counts the 6 years I previously worked at the same organization). It seemed like I had had nothing but adversity ever since.
In October 2009, I lost my job and the income that went along with it. I got a nice severance package, and my severance pay lasted about 5 months. When it ran out I filed for unemployment; however, I soon found out that I was not eligible to collect unemployment because I had received too much in severance pay! While I have not yet undertaken a serious search for a new job, I did have two job opportunities come my way. The first one paid a ridiculously low salary: less than half of what I was previously making; and the second job went to someone else because I was too sick to go in for the follow-up interview. Since then, I have not been well enough to look for a new job.
Before I lost my job, I was completely self-sufficient monetarily. The money I made was my money to spend however I chose. My only obligation was to pay my son’s college tuition, which was easy on my salary. I chose to spend the rest of my money on traveling to foreign places, decorating my home, taking friends and family out to eat, and buying books and expensive cameras.
I am an optimistic person by nature, and even during this illness I have tended not to focus on the “bad.” But, as one can see from my morning’s meditation, my mind had started to wander into my own pity party. I started to review my life over the past 9 months, which is when I got laid off from my job of 11 years (17 total, if one counts the 6 years I previously worked at the same organization). It seemed like I had had nothing but adversity ever since.
In October 2009, I lost my job and the income that went along with it. I got a nice severance package, and my severance pay lasted about 5 months. When it ran out I filed for unemployment; however, I soon found out that I was not eligible to collect unemployment because I had received too much in severance pay! While I have not yet undertaken a serious search for a new job, I did have two job opportunities come my way. The first one paid a ridiculously low salary: less than half of what I was previously making; and the second job went to someone else because I was too sick to go in for the follow-up interview. Since then, I have not been well enough to look for a new job.
Before I lost my job, I was completely self-sufficient monetarily. The money I made was my money to spend however I chose. My only obligation was to pay my son’s college tuition, which was easy on my salary. I chose to spend the rest of my money on traveling to foreign places, decorating my home, taking friends and family out to eat, and buying books and expensive cameras.
.
Today I have $15 in my bank account, and I have to ask my husband for money to do anything, from filling up my gas tank to buying a stick of deodorant or a cup of coffee. Not to mention, he had to pay this semester’s college tuition for our son. I am having to skip the trip to England and Scotland that my sisters are taking in a couple months. I have taken to re-reading the same books I read years ago. Instead of me treating my daughter to dinner, she is buying me lunch at Panera Bread. I don’t even walk into a Home Goods store anymore. And, I have not bought one stick of new clothing this summer.
Since I have no money, I have been practically housebound for months. (I want to use the gas in my car only when absolutely necessary.) In addition, my sickness has had me cooped up in my home for weeks, and I am starting to climb the walls.
So, this morning while I was studying God’s Word, I realized that I have nothing. No job. No money. No healthy body. No energy. No place to go. No good food in the house. That’s when I started to sink into despair. Why, God, have you allowed my life to become like this? Why am I so sick? I can’t even look for a job when I am this ill! Then I read 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18:
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
It then hit me. It is the will of God that I have nothing, at least nothing of earthly value. For over the years I had become arrogant, prideful, self-reliant and greedy, prizing money and status and position. Not very godly traits for a woman of God.
God broke through my heart at this moment and I realized what He was doing by bringing these trials into my life. He was revealing my sin to me and transforming me more into the image of Christ:
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. (2 Corinthians 3:17-18)
Christ, who suffered and endured suffering more than I will or could ever suffer, never sinned. Never. Not once.
So, how does this apply to my life today? Being sick has kept me sidelined to my home and forced me to put a hold on looking for a new job. I am learning to be content. I can live quite comfortably without much money. I can enjoy my home with its current contents. It’s amazing how much food is in the cupboards that I didn’t even realize was there. There is much beauty to be found in just sitting outdoors watching the birds and squirrels. Reading a book the second time around is almost like reading it for the first time. Old movies on television are so much better than movies currently in theaters. Dinner at home with my husband and son tastes just as good as in a restaurant. Blogging about my previous exotic travels brings back wonderful memories.
I am learning to trust God more and more. I am learning to find joy and comfort and fulfillment in Him alone. I am learning that humility is a quality to be much desired and sought after. I am learning that I have nothing… without God.
Since I have no money, I have been practically housebound for months. (I want to use the gas in my car only when absolutely necessary.) In addition, my sickness has had me cooped up in my home for weeks, and I am starting to climb the walls.
So, this morning while I was studying God’s Word, I realized that I have nothing. No job. No money. No healthy body. No energy. No place to go. No good food in the house. That’s when I started to sink into despair. Why, God, have you allowed my life to become like this? Why am I so sick? I can’t even look for a job when I am this ill! Then I read 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18:
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
It then hit me. It is the will of God that I have nothing, at least nothing of earthly value. For over the years I had become arrogant, prideful, self-reliant and greedy, prizing money and status and position. Not very godly traits for a woman of God.
God broke through my heart at this moment and I realized what He was doing by bringing these trials into my life. He was revealing my sin to me and transforming me more into the image of Christ:
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. (2 Corinthians 3:17-18)
Christ, who suffered and endured suffering more than I will or could ever suffer, never sinned. Never. Not once.
So, how does this apply to my life today? Being sick has kept me sidelined to my home and forced me to put a hold on looking for a new job. I am learning to be content. I can live quite comfortably without much money. I can enjoy my home with its current contents. It’s amazing how much food is in the cupboards that I didn’t even realize was there. There is much beauty to be found in just sitting outdoors watching the birds and squirrels. Reading a book the second time around is almost like reading it for the first time. Old movies on television are so much better than movies currently in theaters. Dinner at home with my husband and son tastes just as good as in a restaurant. Blogging about my previous exotic travels brings back wonderful memories.
I am learning to trust God more and more. I am learning to find joy and comfort and fulfillment in Him alone. I am learning that humility is a quality to be much desired and sought after. I am learning that I have nothing… without God.
.
God’s plan? Absolutely!
God’s plan? Absolutely!
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Take these hands and lift them up
For I have not the strength to praise You near enough
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You
Take my voice and pour it out
Let it sing the songs of mercy I have found
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You
All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
That I have nothing without You
Take my body and build it up
May it be broken as an offering of love
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You
All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
But I love You
With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my mind
And all the strength I can find
All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
I have nothing
Take my time here on earth
And let it glorify all that You are worth
For I am nothing
I am nothing
For I have not the strength to praise You near enough
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You
Take my voice and pour it out
Let it sing the songs of mercy I have found
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You
All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
That I have nothing without You
Take my body and build it up
May it be broken as an offering of love
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You
All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
But I love You
With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my mind
And all the strength I can find
All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
I have nothing
Take my time here on earth
And let it glorify all that You are worth
For I am nothing
I am nothing
I am nothing without You
